Screwed - So You Want to Be a Prison Officer

Screwed: So You Want to Be a Prison Officer
A brutally funny, eye-opening guide to the job you probably don’t want anymore
📖 By Mark McIntyre
 
Think working in a prison is all about law, order, and professional discipline? Think again.
Welcome to HMP Phantom, where the pigeons eat better than the prisoners, the walls are held together with more scaffolding than bricks, and the only thing stopping a mass escape is that the ferry is always cancelled.
In this hilariously sharp, no-holds-barred book, Mark McIntyre takes you inside the prison system with a blend of satire, real-world insanity, and the kind of experiences that will make you question your life choices.
 
Inside, you’ll meet (amongst others):
✔ Grampa Gangsta – A long-term inmate who was friendly… until one day, he just said “No.”
✔ Officer Boyband – A man whose uniform is two sizes too tight and whose ego is five sizes too big.
✔ PO Kev – The kind of officer who makes you wonder, "How is he still employed?"
✔ Martin the OSG – Who may or may not have actually seen a prisoner during his entire career.
 
💥 What’s inside this book?
The unfiltered truth about working in a prison—the boredom, the madness, and the moments that make you question your sanity.
How to survive the job (Hint: It helps if you love organised chaos and carrying 37 identical keys).
Why prisoners are sneakier than you think—and how they use the prison itself as their personal toolkit.
The great escape attempts (spoiler: they never work, but they’re fun to watch).
Why every vehicle passing the prison mysteriously speeds up—joggers sprint, mums with prams activate turbo mode, and even the dogs just snarl.
 
😂 Packed with ridiculous real-life scenarios, dark humour, and a serious dose of reality, Screwed will have you laughing, cringing, and questioning every career decision you’ve ever made.
Perfect for fans of:
📌 This is Going to Hurt – If you loved the raw, no-filter honesty of Adam Kay’s NHS memoir.
📌 The Secret Barrister – If you enjoy brutally funny and painfully accurate insights into the UK justice system.
📌 Prison Break – If you ever wondered what that show would be like with more pigeons and fewer working escape plans.
 
📢 Thinking of joining the prison service? Read this first. Then reconsider.
Paperback | eBook | Audiobook (coming soon – read in a bewildered, slightly traumatised tone)
🚔 Get your copy today – before the prison walls crumble entirely.