Brought to you by the Department of Silly Mistakes and the Knights Who Say “Edit It Again!”.
So, you’ve decided to write a book. Jolly good! Welcome to the world of DIY publishing, where the margins are as unpredictable as the weather, your ideas seem brilliant until you reread them, and royalties are only ever spoken about in hushed tones. But fear not, oh bravest author of all the land, for here is your guide through the madness. Let us now gallop off to the lands of publishing woes as we venture to the promised land of publishing glory! The holy guide of writing, something called 'First Word Problems'.. ooohhhhhh ahhhhhhh... Right then, enough of this, bang them coconut shells together and make haste!
Step One: Writing the Thing (a.k.a. The Blank Page of Doom First Word Problems)
“And now for something completely terrifying—a blank page!”
So, you sit down, full of optimism. You’ve got your notebook, a shiny pen, and the perfect playlist. The world is your oyster! But instead of an inspired masterpiece, you find yourself contemplating whether your protagonist really needs a name. Maybe you should rename the dog instead? Or perhaps write a dystopian epic entirely from the perspective of the dog? Wait… that’s not half bad.
Suddenly, it’s been four hours, and all you’ve written is “Chapter One.” You start googling “how to write a book” and land in a rabbit hole of contradictory advice. Write every day! Only write when inspired! Write standing up like Hemingway and of course, don't bother, it'll just eat you alive then not even bother to spit out the bones!
By the time you emerge, you’re an expert in procrastination and have a fully decluttered kitchen drawer. But a book? Not so much.
Fear not! First Word Problems will help you brainstorm ideas, map out your story, and get those words flowing. Even if you decide your dog-dystopia novel (which is very original) needs to wait.
Step Two: Formatting – The Eldritch Horror of Publishing
“And now, the Ministry of Misaligned Margins brings you: Formatting Follies!”
Formatting is where all your dreams go to die. First, you triumphantly copy your manuscript into your chosen software. All seems well—until the table of contents decides to recreate the plot of Inception by embedding itself inside another table and you can't ctrl=Z it. Your margins revolt, footnotes escape, and somehow, the page numbers are now appearing in the middle of sentences. This is a test!
Oh, and let’s not forget when your carefully chosen font suddenly changes to Comic Sans halfway through Chapter Four when describing the most tragic part of your story. Why? No one knows. You start questioning whether this is some elaborate prank by the gods of publishing. You google for responses but end up on Reddit, down the rabbit hole of why chocolate bars have changed so much!
By the end of this formatting malarky, you’ve become the proud owner of a deep mistrust of bullet points and an irrational hatred for the phrase “export to PDF.” But fear not, noble author! With First Word Problems, you’ll have a step-by-step guide to wrangling your manuscript into submission. Mostly.
Step Three: Proofreading – The Never-Ending Nightmare
“And now for The Case of the Rogue Apostrophe!”
Congratulations, you’ve finished your manuscript! Except you haven’t. Now you need to proofread. Proofreading is like gardening and well, I hate gardening, the results are nice but the process of pulling out one weed, only to find five more sprouting in its place is tedious and frustrating. Every time you think you’ve caught all the typos, another one sneaks by, cackling like a villain in a silent movie.
You’ve checked every chapter. You’ve even paid a friend to look at it. But then your printed proof arrives, and there it is, A glariNg, horRifying tyPo on the first page.
To make matters worse, you spelt your own name wrong. That’s right—your own name!
Suddenly, your dreams of being a celebrated author are replaced by visions of readers pointing and laughing in bookshops.
Remember, First Word Problems can’t stop you from making typos (you’re only human), but it will help you minimise them. Unless, of course, you’re trying to spell “public” and miss an all-important “L.” In that case… we wish you luck on your public speaking tour!
Step Four: Pricing – The Heartbreak of Royalties
“And now for: The £1 Shock.”
You’ve written your magnum opus. You’ve formatted it beautifully (sort of). Now it’s time to price it! £10 sounds fair, doesn’t it? Then you see the breakdown:
Printing: £4
Distribution: £3
Advertising: £2
Your cut: £1 (10%)
That’s right. After writing 120,000 words over six months, pulling your hair our, googling everything, procrastinating and setting deadlines back over and over again, you make about as much per book as you’d earn mugging a cloud.
Cue the ignorant peasants: “You must be rolling in it, mate! You sold 100 copies at £10 each! To which you reply, “Ignorant peasant, I fart in your general direction. I’ve earned £100, which isn't even enough to pay for the coffee I chugged while writing this!”.
With First Word Problems, you’ll learn how to price your book strategically and where to cut costs without cutting corners, And quite possibly, how to politely explain to people that royalties don’t mean rolling in gold coins like Scrooge McDuck.
Step Five: Acceptance & Finally Pressing “Publish”
“And now: The Ministry of Letting Go.”
At some point, you have to accept that your book is as good as it’s going to get. It’s not perfect. It never will be. But that’s okay because done is better than perfect. You hit “Publish,” hold your breath, and watch as your masterpiece enters the world.
And then, hours later, you realise:
You forgot to italicise that one word.
The chapter headings are slightly misaligned.
Oh, and the dedication says “To Mum, who always believed in me, except when she didn’t.”
The first print run is riddled with mistakes, but hey, that’s what second editions are for! You’ve done it. You’re officially a published author. Now go have a celebratory drink and worry yourself into never-ending anxiety, you’ve earned it.
WAIT—SOMEONE WROTE A BOOK ON ALL OF THIS?!
Yes. Yes, they did.
First Word Problems is your ultimate guide to navigating the chaos of DIY publishing. From brainstorming ideas to formatting, pricing, and promotion, this workbook has everything you need to write, publish, and (somewhat) keep your sanity.
So stop crying over misaligned margins and pick up a copy today. Your future self will thank you.
Oh, you get a copy for free when you attend the Cafe Creative Writers groups, funnily enough, these are writing groups where we meet at cafes, in Northern Ireland, mostly Belfast. Join the facebook group page here.
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